Should You Change To Fit In?

With Elliot & Stella

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Why do you think you adapt your personality depending on who you're around?

Elliot - I mean it's a natural response to act differently depending on the personalities of who you’re around so you make good impressions, and it also makes it easier to make friends.

Stella - Yeah, so you've got to make sure you are saying the right things that match the type of personalities that you are around. As different people talk about different topics and different levels of humor which I also change to match those people. Sometimes it is also about respect, such as limiting the swearing when you’re not in your ‘circle’.

I think adjusting can actually make it help you build connections quicker with a much wider range of people and expand your social network.

Yeah, I feel like it sounds like such a bad thing, but it's not necessarily being completely fake with people you don’t like and going against everything you agree which is obviously bad. You don’t have to change your entire personality, you can just use different parts of it and still be who you are.

Yeah, I think well the main thing that that sums everything up is a fear of rejection, especially when meeting new people, and this can cause you to want to act differently so they like you.

But you also don't want it to be like too much effort and you to always have to be on high alert around certain people to not say the wrong thing, because if it gets to that point it is too far.

Is it actually a good thing to adapt your personality?

That’s why I didn’t like school because I was forced to be around people who were nothing like me and I could never be myself. On the occasion when I could stop ‘acting’ I always felt so much better and felt like I had an actual friendship with those people.

Acting differently isn’t only about friends either, most people can probably identify with changing how they act in front of teachers, which is completely normal and will most likely make them respect you more. This is completely fine, as you wouldn't talk to a teacher as you would to your friends. Even if you just have to talk to someone for a brief amount of time, you match their personality just to make your life easier.

And like we said, despite being a good thing, it actually is exhausting, so it pays off much more if you only have to be around those people briefly. You'll notice that with real friends, you start to just show your entire personality.

Where do you draw the line between being adaptable and being completely fake?

There’s a point where you’re not just adapting to your surroundings, but you're just completely acting. I think you should adjust to your friends or your potential friend’s interests especially before you learn what sort of person they are. However, if every word you say has to be well thought through to make sure you’re accepted it has gone too far.

The thing is with these people who are being completely fake, it often becomes obvious sometimes your social circles collide and you won’t be able to keep up the act as they will notice that as people do you are changing greatly depending on who you’re talking to.

You just have to be careful because if you are just being completely fake, you can’t keep that up for your entire life. And especially when you're around people a lot, they'll notice that you are acting. Also, if you feel you need to behave so differently then they are obviously not ‘your people’ and you would be better off spending time with more like minded people.

Is it worth compromising your values?

A high school example of this is vaping, and if you’re around people who do it you’re likely to feel pressured to as well. Although it feels horrible to be left out or judged by everyone around you, it’s a million times better to be judged than doing something you don’t want to, whilst also putting your health at risk.

There could be small things, such as changing what music you listen to so friends enjoy it. This is not a big deal and can make your life easier in the short term, but it also means that they're not your true friends if you have to lie to them.

Can you have a proper friendship if you're constantly acting?

No, because a friendship, you've got to have trust and honesty. And after time they'll figure out who you actually are.

Yeah, and I think it's almost impossible to have a deep friendship if you're acting because you create a strong friendship by sharing stories and how you feel which is impossible to do if you're just being completely fake. When you’re being yourself you’ll also notice that your social battery isn’t being used anywhere near as much around those people.

Is it best to adapt who you are for the short term?

Yeah, well, if it makes your life easier for a short amount of time, I don't feel like it's too much of a stretch, as if you know that you only have to spend a brief amount of time with someone its okay not to be completely yourself.

I know that everyone is always told to always be yourself, but it can actually make experiences so much enjoyable if you can adapt to who you have to be around.